MONTREAL VACANCY RATE APPROACHES 5%

WHY IT'S HAPPENING
WHAT IT MEANS
WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

Lucky for renters, but unlucky for property owners: rental apartment vacancy rates across Quebec have been rising steadily. On the island of Montreal CORPIQ (a property owner's association), estimates vacancy rates at 5%. A balanced market is around 3% vacancy.

This is a far cry from the conditions of the "crise du logement" Montreal tenants were experiencing 2 years ago, where prospective renters had to line up for visits.


WHAT'S CHANGED? 

CORPIQ offers two explanations for this trend.

First of all, Montreal's condo promoters have been throwing up new constructions at a furious rate. In addition to this, cheap credit and a hot real estate market have taken the "top" layer of tenants out of the rental market. More condo- and house-buyers equals less renters, especially on the top end of the rental market.

In addition, very recently there has been a slight economic downturn in the Canadian economy more generally, and a specific change of the political landscape in Quebec. In more uncertain times, people refrain from setting up new households. Students stay longer with Mum and Dad, families put off getting bigger places to accommodate additional kids, and couples may put off establishing themselves in their own places.


WHAT IT MEANS FOR PROPERTY OWNERS
During the "crise du logement" landlords had the luxury of being able to rent just about anything at just about any price and this with a wide range of tenants to choose from.

Today, that is no longer the reality. Over-priced apartments in questionable states of repair stay on the market. The standard of applicants has dropped overall.

This is a good state of affairs for prospective tenants - if you're a renter, you may want to consider seeing what's now available. You might get lucky.


WHAT TO DO 
So, as a property owner, what are your options if you can't seem to rent your place.

1) Drop the price.
Sometimes a very small drop in price (from 600$ to 570$ for a 3 1/2 for example), may be the difference between renting your vacant place or having it empty. Most tenants fix a budget and won't even look at places that are more expensive.
Of course, landlords don't like to drop their prices especially with the Regie's laws about rent control. But in actual fact, if you do the calculation, one month vacancy represents a loss of 600$. Over a one-year period, if you rent for 570$ instead, you lose only 360$! This means it'll take almost TWO YEARS to recover one lost month of rent.
Think about it - two lost months of rent will take you three years to recover! Sometimes a small price adjustment makes sense.

2) Spruce the place up.
It always surprises me how people respond to fresh paint and minor upgrades. Chuck out any old furniture or garbage. Get a cleaning service in (costs about 60$). Burn some incense. Paint the place white or varnish the floors.
Even if these minor upgrades are cosmetic, they make a huge difference to how attractive your place will be to prospective tenants.


3) Get creative.
What overall rental statistics don't tell you is that the rental market is uneven. For example, Montreal currently has a high rate of vacancy in smaller apartments, while larger apartments and furnished places are in shorter supply.
You may consider offering to rent your place with minimum furniture (appliances, beds and a couch). You can usually get more money by offering to furnish your place, while appealing to a wider clientele.

4) Whatever you do - don't lower your standards !
Bad tenants degrade your investment, cost time, headaches and frustration, and are very very hard to get rid of. Given the choice, rather lose a month of rent now than pick a questionable tenant out of desperation. Trust me !

Repair bills mount very fast. It is costly and time-consuming to expel tenants for non-payment. And - worst of all - the rental board makes it very, very, very hard to evict tenants for just about anything besides non-payment. In other words, you may be living for a very, very, very long with the screaming kids, the rabid pitbull they keep in the basement, the bedbugs they bring into your property, or their persistent neglect of your investment.


Last of all, remember that December is just about the worst time of year to have a vacancy. No one moves before the holidays. There should be a second wave of tenants on the market in January : foreign students are arriving, and many households face stress or take stock over Christmas resulting in movement. The early new year usually brings more potential applicants !

Happy renting !

PLAGUE OF THE PIGEONS

8:00 am Friday morning.
I arrived at work to find that my new sign had been installed. It's vinyl and black and green although it wasn't actually shining, it did look damn classy.
I had a moment. It's not every day that you open an office and see your business' name and logo appear on the street front for the first time.

This deserves a photo, I thought to myself.

I went inside to get my camera from my desk.


I got a phone call. My colleague arrived and we chatted a bit. 30 minutes later, camera in hand, I was ready to take the pics.

 Look again my friends (bottom left corner of the sign) : the pigeons has begun their dirty work ! There were at least four of them perched on the white siding just before I took this pic. They were giving me the evil bird eye !

And it didn't stop with one poo. Throughout the day, I checked on their progress. There seemed to be more and more of them huddled on the siding, bums perched over the edge, poised to dump their business on my nice new sign.

Moral of the story: solve one problem (eg. the sign) and another (pigeon poo) will appear in its place. It's a never-ending cycle !

And so began my quest for pigeon spikes.

I went to the small Rona in the neighorhood, and then the bigger Home Depot that's not far away.

"We don't carry those things," the staff told me.

Odd, I though to myself. Surely I'm not the only one with a pigeon poo problem.

Until I went to the really big Reno Depot that's really far away, on Saturday morning at 9 am. I finally found a store clerk who could offer me some real info.

Me: I'm looking for pigeon spikes.

Store guy: We don't sell those.

Me: Why? You could make a lot of money.

Store guy: They're illegal.

Me: What???

Store guy: Yes. The SPCA lobbied to have them outlawed because they can damage the pigeons.

Me: Seriously? Did they also outlaw rat traps too?

Store guy (laughs): No. Only pigeon spikes. You can take a board and put nails in it and then stick it upside down on your surface. Just make sure the guys from the city don't see it.

Arrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Grand opening on Tuesday. Pigeons pooing in vast numbers on my sign. What's a girl to do ??

The internet will save me ultimately, although maybe not by Tuesday. I managed to find some lovely bird spikes on the internet :

E-Spike Economy Stainless Steel Bird Spikes

http://www.nixalite.com/EspikeModels.aspx?gclid=CKKo6sKOjrQCFUWo4AodXH0A6Q

I think this company is based in the USA. 

My only question : do you think they'll get through the border? Or are the customs guys looking for illegal pigeon spikes?!

SHARED OFFICE PROJECT OFFICIALLY OPENED :)

So after long, long months of managing the office-construction project, its finally DONE. Cleaners are coming on Monday to get rid of the final construction dust. 

Heaters, lighting, bathroom and security system are now all up and running. Oh and the facade ! That was a whole chapter-and-a-half (or a blog entry) by itself! All done. DONE. 

Grand opening evening in next Tuesday (Dec. 11th) from 5 to 7pm at 3965, Sainte-Catherine Street Est. If you have nothing better to do, stop by!

Why did it take so long?
Well, first of all, we have 2000 square feet of space. Lots of paint, plaster and putting up drywall to form offices. Everything is done to commercial standards (and by guys with commercial construction cards of course :) !) the whole thing was a big learning experience for me and my team. We normally do residential projects and manage residential space!

What's the concept?
We have 8 fully furnished turn-key offices to rent to start-ups and independent workers, in addition to the offices MyRoom (my company) occupies. We're aiming to create a collective shared office-space / incubator environment.

Fresh from three years of running my company out of a room in my (admittedly large) apartment, and a PhD student before that, I'm aware of the challenges faced by small business, doctoral students and independent workers.


Sure working from home means you get to stay in your PJs all day, but social isolation, seeing your desk from your bed, and the impression that you never 'switch off' because you live and work in the same space are just a few drawbacks.

In business, sometimes the most valuable ideas are cooked up having a coffee or a smoke with someone with a different perspective.

And small business face similar problems: accounting questions, how to run their internet and data packages, how to register for TPS and TVQ, or to hire new workers just to name a few issues.

 Very often a five-minute conversation with someone who's had to resolve the particular issue you're facing can help you save bundles of money and avoid costly or complicated mistakes.

If you're got nothing better to do check us out :)
Or at least savor the pics ! It's been a long time coming.

By Terrie Schauer

LOCKED OUT...

No - this is not a post about the NHL hockey season!
I want to say a few words about a situation that has happened to all of us...

Ever lost your keys after locking your front door? Closed the self-locking door but didn't take the right key with you? Forgot the code to your keypad or typed the wrong code too many times?

You'd be surprised how often people do this. As a property manager, I can probably tell you - statistically - just how often. I presently manage about 150 tenants. About once per month someone loses or forgets their keys. I leave it to you to calculate what the chances are that, on any given night, you get locked out (I tried to figure this one out myself and couldn't - if you're good at math leave the stat in the comments please!)

Anyway, here's my advice about what to do:

1) Prevention.
Leave a set of keys with a neighbor, a friend who lives in your hood, a family member, or under the garden gnome. Leave 'em in your car or at the office. Trust me - it'll pay off. It's just a matter of time.

2) Ok so you didn't listen to step 1. You're locked out for real now. Now what?
Be sure. Go check the back door. The back window. Really. Go now. The basement. Seriously. Think like a burglar. It might be easier to solve this problem than you think. Looking for an easy way to break in without causing any real damage is the second best way to fix this problem.

3) So for real. You're locked out. No chance of breaking and entering without physical damage. Now what?
Call the landlord. He or she will be pissed. It's Friday night, 11pm - fine. He or she'll be pissed. But they knew what they were signing up for. Blocked toilets and locked-out tenants are part of the job. Make him or her earn the rent !!


4) So the landlord's bouncing your calls or you're the homeowner. Lucky you!
Here's what's next. Look for the weakest link. Got a door with small window panes? Great! It costs about 7$ to fix one of those small suckers. In fact, any single-pane window is pretty cheap to replace. You just need to take the casing out and bring it to your local glass store.
Got a window left open but with a screen? Good too. Go on and cut a hole and climb on in. Your problems are solved.

5) Alright so there's no low-hanging fruit. The windows are all locked. They're double glass. There are no exposed screens.
Your next option is to attack the locks and door frames.
But be smart. Here too there are weakest links.

First, you want to identify which is the weakest lock (ha ha ha - weakest lock, not weakest link!!) Pick one of these:    

Those little pins are the easiest to pick. If you can slide anything between the door frame and the pin, you should be able to get the door open. Credit cards, bits of wire, or x-rays work pretty well. This is your last chance to get away without a major intervention, so really try hard.

If the frame and the door are too tight, you have no choice but to break stuff. My recommendation here is the following. If you have access to a drill, go get that sucker. You can drill out a cheap lock easily, while a door frame or a busted door are harder to replace.
If you've got no drill and the door frame is made of wood, go on an give it a kick. Unless you have a two-by-four on the other side, it should give pretty easy. It doesn't take too much work to fix a busted door frame and these little pins don't do that much damage.

6) No luck. You're at the drilling out the lock stage.
I'd recommend drilling out the lock yourself if you`re a bit handy. Locksmiths charge a lot of money for this kind of work and unless you have a super or expensive locking system you can probably get away with doing this yourself...

BUT you'll have to wait for the next lesson to find our how !! I'm going to get my specialist to contribute to the next entry!

SMASH AND GRAB

I have a sense of humor. Really, I do.
Garbage outside my house: funny. (See last week's entry)
Chasing the crackhead from the alley who's "looking for refundable bottles" in my backyard (about every 6 months): also mildly entertaining.

But getting a call at seven in the morning, saying that my newly installed office door has been kicked in: not funny.
Not even a little bit.

Luckily, it must have been crackheads doing a smash-and-grab: they gave up on seeing a second locked door. In Hochelaga, you don't have master criminals to contend with. They won't spend hours cracking a safe. They will, however, smash your car window if you leave your ipod, or try the door handles just to see if you forgot to beep the door locks shut before going to sleep.

But this morning wasn't the best time to test my sense of humor. You see moving into the new office has been enough of a challenge. My facade guy (story to follow later in the week) ripped off the old siding, only to do a shoddy job of installing plywood underneath. I fired him. But now I have plywood where the facade should be: shoddy, ghetto plywood. I wish some kids would come and tag it! The opening is in two weeks.

And this is not to mention the heating situation. Turns out we didn't have enough capacity to install enough heaters in the place. It's now cold outside, which translates to its now cold inside. We moved the files. And so while the electricians have been installing the additional electrical capacity we've been working in our coats.

Like I said: sense of humor being tested.

But back to the break-in. This time we got away lucky: the guys gave up after breaking just the wooden door frame. But my question for the week is this: considering we're dealing with low level smashers here, what's the best way to make my place just less attractive to break into than the next guy? I've been told that's what helps deter crooks: just being less vulnerable than your neighbors.

And any ideas on alarm system vs. physical protection (eg. bars etc)? Decisions to be made by Friday (hopefully)... so I can solve me facade problem.  

THE ONLY CONSTANT IS CHANGE

 The ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus said: "No man steps in the same river twice. For it is not the same river, and he is not the same man." The only constant is change.

The thing with impermanence is that because we only change a tiny bit every day, we get lulled into a false sense of security. That's why some of us dread birthdays. While we're getting older every day, its only on the symbolic day when we celebrate being one year older that we think about what getting older means.

Our bodies change. Our lives change. Little by little the nature of our relationships changes: they grow stronger, weaker, or simply change shape. We only notice these changes or indeed accept them at specific moments: break-ups, or weddings for example.

And weirdly, even when change is positive it can be disorienting.

Earlier this week, the office I've occupied in most of my waking hours for the past three years transformed into this:

Three years ago almost to the day, I started my MyRoom Gestion, my small property management company. It was just me, my blue 2002 Honda Civic, 100 business cards, and a tank full of gas. This office was the second half of my bedroom. I could see my workstation with my head on the pillow. (Not the best configuration for a peaceful personal life by the way!!)

I can remember telling a good friend of mine: "As long as I have a tank of gas in the car and money on my cell, I'm doing ok."

And, little by little, client by client, we've grown to have a 150 doors in our empire, until -- this week -- we graduated to have a real, full fledged office that no one needs to see from their bedroom !

So why the odd feeling of emptiness? Shouldn't it be all champagne and lollipops from here on in?

No. The reality with change is that it leaves us feeling unsettled, nostalgic for what we're leaving behind.

In my case, this room will have a new function: what will it become? A library? A reading and writing room? A room full of puzzle mats where I can invite my Ju Jitsu friends over to "roll"?

More importantly, what will I become? Today I became the girl with the corner office. Be careful what you wish for! Sure, it's exciting. But to become that girl means saying goodbye to the carefree days where a tank full of gas and a cell phone were enough. Of course, this process has happened slowly over the past three years. I am only realizing it today, looking at this empty room.

Inshallah: these are good problems to have. Just like turning 40 with a few healthy kids, a mortgage, and a happy marriage. Just because we're happy doesn't mean we don't count the grey hairs and reminisce about the "glory days" of high school !!

Where will I be three years from now? Where will you be? And on how many days will we step into the same circumstances without realizing that we're changed just a little bit...

HOCHELAGA STYLE !

I love my neighborhood, I really do.

There's always street parking. Even in winter, there are no Plateau-Style fights over the spaces someone de-snowed with the sweat of their brow. Although there are parking meters on Ontario and St-Catherine, the authorities rarely ticket if you don't pay.

Should I happen to walk my dog without a leash, none of my neighbors gives me the stink-eye. Off-leash pits are a regular sight. Ditto for side-walk pooing when you forget the baggy.

Come to think of it: I have a hard time imagining what my neighbors give me the stink eye for. As long as you're not selling drugs or sex, or talking to yourself in the street, you pass pretty much unnoticed on the streets of Hochelaga.

I like that.


These things are major pluses for me. It's part of how I think of enjoyment of life. Being left alone to live in your own way without people bothering you - well, its one of life's little pleasures. The absence of annoyances is actually extremely pleasant.

As the French say: "On me fait pas chier!" (No one bothers me).

Money can't buy that.

On the other hand, opening my front door on Friday and seeing the following :

Not a major plus !

After some snooping (because the people were actually in the process of making this mess when I opened my door), I discovered that my BS (welfare recipient) neighbors got evicted this week. I had no idea until I found this trash heap in front of my house Friday morning.

What I especially like is the fact that the city just changed the garbage days. I have no idea when the truck will come to take this stuff away. Minus one (or two) parking spots.

The humor of this situation is not entirely lost on me. I have a soft spot for the extravagantly disorderly. One trash bag = annoying. A spectacular accumulation of trash = well spectacular.


I suppose this is why a lot of people may prefer not to live in Ho-Ma.

But then maybe that's a good thing !

Clean this up and maybe we'd also be fighting for parking and giving our neighbors the stink-eye.

With such wildly anti-social behavior going on, who has time for the silly and petty feuds that neighbors in other parts of the city get into: encroaching hedge-rows and the snow someone carelessly piled onto the neighbors yard.

Here in Ho-Ma we pair things down to the basics: can I park my car in front of my house, or has the sidewalk been turned into a garbage dump overnight?

At least this way, you can have no illusions about pettiness!

Anyway, happy trails to my evicted neighbors. Thanks for the mess !

And who knows : perhaps their old apartment will house Plateau-refugees !

CLANDESTINE TATTOO PARLOR

I was getting strange complaints. Really strange complaints.

"People are always coming and going in the common staircase. Suspicious-looking people."

"The hallway smells funny. Like medicine, not pot."

"There's a weird buzzing noise coming from upstairs."

Normally, by the type of complaints, I can figure out what's going on. Problem-tenants are usually pretty predictable. They drink or smoke their rent, hoard garbage, have wild parties, or attract pests. The more outlandish complaints are usually limited and predictable.

Comings-and-goings? Prostitution. Dealing of hard drugs.
Comings-and-goings with pot smell? Dealing pot.
Blinding light emanating from apartment with or without marijuana smell? Growing pot.

But this time, I couldn't even make an educated guess. It wasn't until another tenant from the building showed up in my office to make an official complaint.

Tenant: I'd like to make a complaint about the tattoo parlor.

Me: Excuse me?

Tenant: Yeah, the girls upstairs are running a tattoo business. You didn't know?

You better believe I didn't know! The girls in question came by to sign their lease with their mothers. They were both 17-year-old minors who needed parental authority to rent an apartment. The Moms seemed nice, responsible, and suburban, and what's more they had good credit. I didn't see a problem renting to them.

The girls started their business online using Craig's list and Kijiji. Things grew from there. Another guy in the building even got a tattoo. Their rates were cheaper than in an official parlor (less overhead maybe?) and one of the girls could draw pretty well. From the amount of traffic, it seemed they were getting quite successful.

But now what to do? No responsible property manager could allow this to go on. The girls had a residential lease. What if someone fell down the stairs or sued for hygiene problems? Although you had to admire the gumption, and the consistency with which the rent cheques came in.

In the end, the girls made it easy for me. Some weeks later they contracted bedbugs. They tagged the (previously white) walls of their apartment using spray paint. After that they had a barbeque on their (covered) balcony in a empty garbage drum using actual wood, not charcoal. Burning branches fell on the tenants below. Then one of the girls adopted a ferret. Then a rat. And a snake. And then two cats. The disinfectant now wasn't the only smell in the building. Instead of taking out their garbage, they were now hurling their bags onto the curb from the third floor.

The final insult, however, was when the girls hung halloween decorations on the bare bulbs they had replaced the light fixtures with. They started a fire in the bathroom. The door was closed, and so a shampoo bottle and the PVC shower stall melted. The only reason the building didn't catch fire was because the bathroom door was closed and so the fire had no oxygen to keep burning. At least, so the electrician said when he came to repair the burnt out hole where the light fixture once was.

Despite this, you'd be surprised what the Quebec Regie du Logement will not allow you to evict tenants for. None of these infractions seemed to warrant expulsion. At least not in any expedient way. (Trial dates for these kinds of issues take about six months). Finally, it was by pressuring the Moms that I was able to recover the apartment.

"Do you really want a lawsuit when your girls burn the place down?" I asked in one of my weekly conversations to one of the Moms. I think that did it.

The best part: the parents actually paid the full bill for the damages done by their kids, without me even having to go to the rental board. In the end, the place was almost in better shape once they left!

CHOOSING TENANTS : HOW TO SPOT A DUD

People often ask me how I pick tenants. I could tell you about how to do credit checks or how to introduce yourself to and employer to make sure your application has a job, but from my point of view there's a more important and interesting set of "tells" that future problem-tenants give off in the application process.

In the process of visiting and applying to rent an apartment, red flags often appear. These little signs are an indications as to what kind of tenant the applicant will be later on. Here's a list of my top ten red-flags when it comes to prospective tenants.


1) Person absolutely needs to move in today - he or she has no place else to sleep tonight.
--- most people have friends or acquaintances they can spend a few nights with. Being "in the street" is an indicator of instability. Perhaps their previous landlord threw them out for non-payment. Also, someone who picks your apartment as an emergency last resort is likely to move out as soon as they gain back some stability.

2) Applicant whines about how bad, cheap, or unreasonable his previous landlord was.
--- the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. If the applicant whines about his previous landlord, he or she will probably whine about you, or worse at you!

3) Application is 30 minutes late for the visit, and doesn't call to let you know.
--- lateness indicates a lack of respect for people's time. Imagine if every time you need to see your tenant to pick up the rent they make you wait for 30 minutes...

4) Application offers to pay 600$, when the announced rent is 900$.
--- your apartment is probably over this person's budget. Either that, or they have a habit of negotiating that will become irritating once they're your tenant.

5) Making arrangements for keys, payment, cheques, filling out an application or visits seems very complicated.
--- if someone is complicated at the beginning of a relationship, they won't become easier to deal with as time goes on.

6) Tenant doesn't have the money to pay his or her first rent cheque. He or she wants to know if they can make the first payment two weeks late.
--- ditto to number 2: someone who pays late at the very beginning of a lease is unlikely to pay regularly and in a punctual manner as time goes on.

7) Person shows up unwashed and unkempt to fill out and application.
--- think about it: someone who doesn't take the time to clean themselves won't take the time to clean your apartment.

8) Tenant says they're moving because their previous place had roaches, bedbugs, or other pests.
--- there's a good chance they'll bring the bugs with them. Either that or some behavior of theirs (lack of hygiene, bringing in contaminated furniture or collecting garbage) attracted the pests in the first place.

9) Tenant has a pet rat.
--- rats are the best escape artists. Need I say more?

10) Tenant says a dog ate their previous apartment; they flooded their last place; the cops busted them for growing pot in the closet; or their neighbors finally managed to get them evicted because of too many parties.
--- you'll be surprised what people will tell you once you get them talking. I always make sure to have a good little chat with prospective tenants. "Why are you moving?" or"What didn't you like about your last place?" are my favorite screening questions.

** this post is inspired from a post on Landlordrescue.ca
http://landlordrescue.ca/10-surefire-tells-bad-tenants/

PHYRRIC VICTORY

It never ceases to amaze me how in the world of rental property, human beings are willing to fight for Pyhrric Victories.

Wikipedia tells us that a Pyhrric Victory is "a victory with such a devastating cost that it carries the implication that another such victory will ultimately lead to defeat. Someone who wins a "Pyrrhic victory" has been victorious in some way; however, the heavy toll negates any sense of achievement or profit."

The phrase derives from the story of King Pyhrris who, in a particular battle with the Romans, lost so many man that his victory ultimately spelled defeat. The Romans lost more men than did Pyhrris, but because they had a much larger supply of soldiers and weapons, Pyhrris' losses meant that he would be unable to fight another battle. The Romans had effectively won by making him unable to beat them again. The seeds of defeat were sowed in the way King Pyhrris fought and won his battle.

The human beings I interact with are not above fighting for such results, it seems.

Many building owners will nickel-and-dime their tenants over small chicken-poop issues in the hopes of saving a few bucks. By not replacing a broken door latch or a leaky shower-head, the owner in the long run buys him- or herself such bad will that managing the property and its now-rebellious tenants becomes a head-ache from start to finish. Poor building maintenance, if sustained, will cause tenant turn-over which leads to higher vacancy rates and lower-quality tenants. Both of these things are bad for business.

Tenants are also not immune from a drive for Phyrric Victory. How many times have I had a tenant be rude, unpleasant or uncooperative on a minor issue, only to need the plumber or the locksmith a few days later. Why bite the hand that feeds you?

When deciding whether to wage a particular war on an issue, I would like to send a message to the world that it makes sense to watch out for the seeds of Pyhrric Victory. This is true especially in dealings between people. Think how divorce lawyers end up walking away with a couple's savings, or how a business feud can result in one side "being right" while losing the good will necessary for continuing profitable relations with a client or partner.

My question, I suppose, to King Pyhrris if he were still among us would be: why? Knowing that the price of a victory is ultimately defeat, why fight in the first place? What use are the efforts and metaphorical lives lost, when the outcome is fairly clear from the start?

I wonder: would there be a case over which I would fight such a war knowingly?
Tonight's food for thought.

RATS !

Tenant: My dryer's broken.

Me: How do you mean?

Tenant: I press the buttons and it doesn't come on.

Me: That's a problem. I'll call the guy.

The dryer guy came. He pulled out the dryer, got behind the machine, and started banging around.

Dryer guy (from behind the dryer): The cable's been chewed.

Me: Chewed?

Dryer guy: Like as in something chewed through the wire. Look, I can repair the wire, but something chewed it. That might happen again if I fix it. Oh, and there's a kind of nest in the exhaust hole.

Weird. Really weird.

Me: Could a squirrel come in from outside or something?

Dryer guy: Look lady, I just repair dryers.

So I questioned the tenant. Did anything come into the apartment? Were they aware of any mouse-poo in the house?

Tenant: My pet rat escaped.

Me: Excuse me?

Tenant: Yeah, my pet rat. He's been missing for three days.

Me: Oh. I get it now.

The solution: I told the tenant to put out some food: cheese, grapes, crackers. Rat wine-and-cheese. She caught her rat and then made sure to keep it locked up. I sent her the bill for the repair of the dryer. She vaguely protested when she got it.

Me (in response): Really? You didn't see a connection there?

PLAGUE OF THE CRICKETS

Date: January.

Outside temperature: -20 degrees centigrade.

Time: Around 8pm. Dinner time as usual. My doorbell rings. It's a tenant.


Tenant : We're finding crickets.

Me : What? Inside?

Tenant : Yup. Ten of them today.

Me : That's weird. It's January.

Tenant : They make noise. At night when we turn the lights off. And they jump when we try to catch them.

Me : That's a problem.

So the inquest begins. A visit to the other tenant in the same building reveals a lizard and two snakes in an aquarium. Reptiles eat crickets.

Me to the lizard tenant : Did any crickets escape?

Lizard tenant : No. The snakes don't eat crickets. But we unwrapped a sleeping bag. We think a cricket must have been trapped in there from summer.

Heard through the floorboards : Downstairs tenant screaming. Stomping. Probably a cricket being stamped
to death.
                                                                             http://www.exterminationmont-royalinc.com/

I caught one. Careful not to crush it, I put the cricket into a pill container from the pharmacy. The next day I went to see Willy the exterminator. I dropped the dead insect onto Wellie's glass bug-display case which is also his counter.

Me : What is this?

Wellie : A cricket.

Me : What's it doing in one of my buildings?
                 
Wellie : It's from the pet store. This one's genetically modified. See? No wings.

Me : So there's no way this came out of a sleeping bag?

Wellie : It's -20 outside. This thing escaped. How many are you finding?

Me : Thirty so far.

Wellie : That's a problem. They're reproducing somewhere. In a crawl space or something.

Me : Crap. How do I kill them?

Wellie : Sticky pads. Around the baseboards.

I left with a hundred sticky pads. It took two weeks and a lot of sticking, screaming and stomping to get rid of the crickets. The sticky pads were very sticky. They stuck to shoes, socks, baseboards, sofa legs, and a tenant's pet rat.

Total bill : 65$ worth of sticky pads.
Total time required to get rid of the crickets : 2 weeks.
Total damages : psychological. To the affected tenants.
Outcome: No more crickets.


I could never prove where the crickets came from. The lizard tenant never admitted to releasing them. But my suspicions went into my little black book. It wouldn't be the last time I tangled with the lizard tenant.

CRACKHEAD FROM THE ALLEY: PART 1

7.30pm. I'm cooking dinner and my phone rings.

My third floor tenant (panicked): There was someone at my back door.

Me: Was it your roommate?

Tenant: No. He was knocking.

Me: Did you let him in?

Tenant: No. I think he was trying to break into the house. 

Me: Crap! Is he still up there?

Tenant: I don't know. He ran off.

A search of the garden revealed no crackhead. The back garden gate was open, though. One of the construction guys must have cut the chain holding the gate closed and didn't tell me to get a new one.

The result: one marauding crackhead from the alley looking around for something to steal.
To solve the problem: a brand new chain with two padlocks, a light with a motion sensor, and a new digital keypad on the front door for the tenants.

All things considered, the guy was pretty motivated. He made it past the following obstacles in the dark.  

Time to send those letter about how not to block the emergency exits!

Still : Aylwin tenants 1 - Crackheads 0.
Let's keep it that way  !